Bad News For Texas Teens Who Want to Shine

Several major schoolboards in Texas have officially banned students from wearing any sort of mouth jewelry, which is a white person way of saying “icy grillz”. Made popular by rapper Paul Wall, and recently sported by the Hulkster’s daughter Brooke Hogan, icy grillz are a classy way for people to improve their smiles by covering all of their teeth with what appears to be precious metals and expensive stones. Not only does the shiny jewelry make your smile sparkle even brighter, it suggests to others that you are financially sucessful enough to wear expensive jewelry in places that people hadn’t even considered possible. Why the Texas schools would elect to outlaw these accessories is a mystery to me. If anything, I think icy grillz would only motivate students to work harder and learn more so that someday they might get a good job and be able to afford dental jewelry of their own. Also, with all the violence in schools these days, icy grillz might be able to protect students should they get punched in the mouth (perhaps by someone who thinks icy grillz are retarded). The good news is even though icy grillz have been outlawed, students are still free to bring the bling by wearing chains, rings, ropes, watches, earrings and canes. Goblets are also acceptable, as long as they’re not filled with crunk juice.

The Amazing Race Wars: The Real Controversy

While sponsors are busy pulling out of Survivor: Race Wars like an unprotected teen’s first time (groan, we know), there is a much more sinister racist beast lurking in the primetime CBS listings: The Amazing Race 10. The Amazing Race, for those of you recently let out of a predator’s underground tunnel system, pits 12 teams of 2 people against one another in a race around the world, hosted by the hottest besweatered man after young Cosby, Phil Keoghan. Each season, the 12 teams are diverse and interesting and autistic enough to create some genuine drama. (The season with the midget was effing geen.) But this season, casting directors outdid themselves in covering every. single. race-base amongst the 12 teams. And (SPOILER ALERT), is it just coincidence that the two teams booted off just happened to be brown people? We wonder. If you missed it, please, peruse the cast with us:

Bilal & Sa’eed: Two Muslim friends who swore that they would stop and pray no matter where they were or what they were doing. Well, Allah-dee-dah. (Is punning allowed?) When the other teams began referring to them as “The Beards”, we though — Are Katie Holmes and Kelly Preston on the show? And while it would have been interesting to watch them continue in the race, if only to see whether or not they were considered a flight risk, alas they were the first team to get eliminated… We’re calling foul play.

Vipul & Arti: A really lovely, nice Indian couple. They were so in love. But a suspiciously “lost” pedicab driver (one hired by the show, mind you) took them on such a detour, they ended up coming in last. Too bad! They were cute.

David & Mary: Backward rednecks with hearts of gold. We hope they win.

Erwin & Godwin: Two Ivy educated Asians who both have “win” in their names. It’s only natural to hope they fail, and yet, they haven’t acted like major jerks yet, so we’ll see.

Duke & Lauren: The required father/daughter team, only the daughter is a lesbian, and the father wears Mom jeans and has a goatee as black as night. They cry a lot and have overcome obstacles.

Peter & Sarah: She has one leg and a boyfriend who treats her like a child. Some people have all the luck! Watching her climb that wall made us eat half of our blankets in ghost-pain and ghost-guilt.

Dustin & Kandace: Two beauty queens whose names are Dustin and Kandace. We pegged them as the annoying pretty-girl twosome, until we met…

Kellie & Jamie: Nice decoy, Amazing Race! They’re cheerleaders who clap and gallop a lot.

Lyn & Karlyn: Black single Moms. They bitch about everybody and everything. They remind us of the In Living Color character Ms. Jenkins… “You didn’t hear that from me.” We love them.

Rob & Kimberly: Two words. Ike & Tina. Next!

Tom & Terry: Two homosexual hobbits. No, seriously. We’re calling them Frodo and Samwise.

Tyler & James: EX-DRUG ADDICTED MALE MODELS. They claim to have overcome a lot of obstacles. And while we love their backstory so much, we didn’t have faith… but they came in first!

TALK ABOUT RACE WARS! In every sense of the word. I mean, they even cast an abusive boyfriend But you don’t hear Rice-A-Roni bitching about it, do you? No! Because they’re not touting the fact that The Amazing Race is really a Fuhrer-like experiment to see which twosome is the most athletic and brainiest. And now that they’ve moved the show to Sunday nights (a genius decision), you have no reason to miss it.